Driving in the fog is my least favorite way to drive for two reasons. First, I hate not being able to see more than a few feet in front of me. Driving through pea soup vapor, especially when it is dark outside, sets me on edge. Secondly, I have to wonder if I will ever arrive at my destination. The mist that gathers in the atmosphere and shrouds my world forces me to slow down. I am hindered from cruising along like I normally would.
It is not until the fog lifts that we can appreciate a clear view and resume once again, our cruising speed.
I Can See Clearly Now
Figuratively speaking, sometimes fog descends and encapsulates my life, slowing me down and putting me on the edge of my seat. One time in particular, my father’s suicide, left me disoriented, perplexed and baffled for more years than I care to count.
When Dad died, Mom was unable to contend with her own emotions. I’m not sure if she had anyone to speak to or if she simply chose not to speak to anyone about her husband’s suicide. Mom was a private woman, and I understand that privacy matters. But secrets are a different matter altogether.
The silence about his death kept us separated, alone and detached from each other.
Without clarity in her own mind, there was no way Mom could come to the aid of any of her children. We ranged in age from ten years to twenty-three years of age. Though those who were older had a little bit more life experience to draw from, none of us had ever gone through such a thing before. Imagine, a whole family in the dark, in the fog, creeping along, each one by themselves.
Though we’d all shared the same tragedy, no one spoke to anyone else about it. No one knew how to reach out and speak to anyone else. I know for me, it felt too risky. What should I say? Who would even listen? Just thinking about his death made me choke up. What would happen if I spoke out loud about it? Consequently, we were left alone, in the dark trying to find our way and hoping someday the fog would lift.
I do not know exactly when the fog lifted for me, but I know it has. The perplexities, hazziness and confusion lifted slowly as I learned to trust those who were willing to listen. The bewilderment, bafflement, and uncertainties gave way to certainty, clarity and orientation as I learned how to speak about what had only been concealed. I no longer creep along with an obstructed view. Instead, I can see clearly now.
Why bother noticing the fog? It is when we come out of the fog that we fully appreciate the clarity and the light.