I grew up emotionally illiterate. Though emotions are felt by everyone, no one in my family acknowledged or validated them. 

In my teen years, after my dad’s death by suicide, I’d often sequester myself in my bedroom. Sometimes Mom would cautiously open my bedroom door and set a newspaper article on my dresser. Like “Thing” from Adam’s Family, her hand would slide through the small crack in the doorway, set an article down and then withdraw, without a word. 

Her method of communication bothered me and for that reason, I rarely read any of the items she left for me. But titles such as, “Don’t Cry Over Spilled Milk,” and “Don’t Make Mountains Out of Molehills,” told me she was at least aware of my emotional state at the time.

Self Educated

I do not doubt my mother’s good intentions. She noticed my moodiness, indignation, and an ill temper. But, placing articles on my dresser, with my name scrolled across the top in black  sharpie with the hopes I’d learn to understand what I was going through,  only added fuel to the fire. 

What I needed and wanted from her was a good conversation telling me how emotions can be messy making us feel awkward, uncomfortable and out of sorts. But she and I had at least one thing in common— we were both emotionally illiterate. 

Consequently, I treated my emotions like piles of dirty, stinky laundry. I avoided them or   attempted to kick them out of my way. But this method only made my life messier and stinkier. 

Eventually though, I grew into adulthood and discovered, with the help and support of others, to pay attention to my emotions. It is only by paying attention that we can become experts and becoming an expert about our emotions makes us much more knowledgeable. 

 First of all, ignoring or disregarding our sentiments does not make them go away. Feelings are naturally attached to our humanness. We can’t detach ourselves from our emotions any more than we can detach ourselves from being human.

Secondly, our emotions have much to teach us, but first we have to listen to them. Listening gives us understanding and understanding leads to personal insights.  

Though I will always be learning more about how I feel, I’ve learned a few things. For instance, I now know that when I’m angry, it is usually because I feel threatened and when I am sad it is because of an unmet expectation. 

Being aware of our feelings and knowing why we feel the way we feel, builds a bridge to understanding myself better. When I recognize what is going on inside me then I have the power to choose how to respond instead of just reacting. Being emotionally intelligent means I can shift to thinking differently and thinking  differently makes all the difference, it makes me intelligent. 

Why bother becoming an expert? Becoming an expert about how and why we feel what we feel keeps us from being an ignoramus.