Harm happens and so does pain. None of us skate through life unscathed. Instead, we carry, forever, consciously or unconsciously, the history or our wounding. 

We may forever remember those who called us degrading names in elementary school, recall an older sibling who physically or verbally beat on us, or ruminate about a parent who abandoned us. But we can prevent these wounds from contaminating our lives for the rest of our lives. 

      The Antidote

Forgiveness, I believe, is the nullifier that we can apply to help repair the damages we receive in life. When used liberally and often, forgiveness helps to mend the toxic, dangerous, and harmful effects that wounding causes.

First of all, unforgiveness restrains and restricts us. It narrows our thinking down to waiting in bitterness for our offender to make their amends. We demand, out loud or in sullen silence, that they change their ways for our benefit. We want an apology. We want them to see things from our perspective. 

Unforgiveness also has a way of holding us hostage and while being held hostage, we wait in bitterness. Our grudges against the offender propagate and we anticipate the day the offender will no longer offend us. We get stuck in our muck expecting them to make the first move. 

The odd thing about waiting for an offender to alter their way is that more than likely they do not see themselves as the wrongdoer. Attempting to show them their transgression may not work either. And a filibuster ensues. 

But, when we let go of the expectations we have toward them, we begin to release ourselves from the constraining weight of unforgiveness. When we forgive we release someone from whatever debt we think they owe us. Even if they never know we’ve forgiven them, we are the beneficiaries. We’ve freed ourselves, moved out of the muck and on with our lives.   

Forgiving does not erase the memory of the harm that was done to us, but it does take the power away from the harm. We are no longer held captive by the hurt or by the one who hurt us. Instead, we can shift our gaze beyond them. Forgiveness does not require us to be friends with our offender and we can, as much as possible, stay out of harm’s way. 

Why bother to keep on forgiving? Learning to forgive others often and as quickly as possible keeps our lives from becoming loaded down with resentment, bitterness and unmet expectations. Forgiveness is the gift we can keep on giving ourselves.