Broken Trust

All of us have stories we could tell. None of us are exempt from experiencing a painful breach, a rupture or a violation in a relationship. And yet, whatever offense, misdeed or transgression we’ve experienced does not prove that trust once broken cannot be rectified.

Though broken trust is not easily mended, it is mendable.

My father’s suicide was by far the biggest violation of trust that I experienced. At the time, I was thirteen. And though there were tell tale signs of doom on the horizon; his alcoholism, his self-admission to a hospital for help, and Mom’s outsourcing of some of us into the care of other families, Dad’s suicide was still unimaginable for me. At thirteen, I was still too young to connect the dots that could have given me a picture of the future doom. 

His suicide had many sorrowful affects. One of them for me was that my trust in him broke. But not just in him alone. Like glass, when trust is shattered, its shards scatter far and wide deeply affecting us and all our other relationships. 

Faith

In the aftermath of Dad’s suicide, I remember lying in bed one night and making a conscious decision to give up trusting anyone. Instead, I told myself that I’d trust in myself alone. And that decision saw me through my turbulent adolescent years and into my early twenties. Then, my life came to an abrupt halt. Trusting oneself can only take us so far for so long until we discover that we too are fallible, even to ourselves. 

At twenty-one, I was an independent, strong minded, young woman who’d attempted to capture happiness for herself. I’d gone to college. I had a boyfriend. I was in pursuit of a career.  But I was still not happy. Instead, success and contentment felt unreachable. Consequently, I settled on believing in a lie. Like my dad, I too could put an end to my felt misery. 

But, I didn’t and here is why. God showed up in such an indisputable way and told me that instead of choosing death, I could choose life. And I did. 

Since then, that minuscule mustard seed of faith has grown and along with growing in faith and trust in God, my trust in others has slowly, but steadily been restored and returned to me.

Why Bother?

Why bother mending broken trust? Trust once failed does not have to be the end of trust. A minuscule mustard seed of faith in God has proven that for me. But, don’t take my word for it. Try trusting God yourself. I dare you.