Stuck

Naturally, we all grow older, but we don’t all naturally grow up. We don’t stop ourselves from aging, but we can stop ourselves from developing. 

When trauma happens in our lives, our emotional growth can stagnate. We get stuck. We keep thinking in the same way about what we think about, yet we hope we’ll somehow become mature beyond those unhealthy cycles of thinking. Some call this arrested development. I call it “stinkin thinkin.” 

A recent Macek Maverick call, otherwise known as our siblings twice a month conference phone call, centered around the question, “What do you have now that you wish you could have had in your twenties?”

The question reminded me that at the age of twenty, my life was a hot mess. I looked and acted like a mature twenty year old. I was a college graduate, living independently from my mother, earning my own income, and paying my own rent. But, my insides were in turmoil. 

At twenty, I was still trying to sort out the aches and pains from my father’s suicide, but with the reasoning of a thirteen year old, the age at which I was when my dad ended his life. 

Every morning I woke up in a state of anxiety, anger, worry and fear just like I had every morning for the last seven years. Although I’d followed the advice from the ideals of the day, the practice of feminism and sexual freedom, I had no peace. I had no happiness. My way of thinking, my way of living brought me to the brink of ending my life. I’d concluded that my dad’s way was the best way. I had the power to end my anguish.

But, in that catastrophic moment of thinking, God showed up and said, “You could choose life.” I listened and watched as he tossed me rope. “Grab hold. I’ll help you over this wall.” Then I believed.

A Pilgrim Progresses

My belief in God altered my thinking, but not all at once, and not without taking the responsibility of training myself. Walking in step with the One who rescued me from following in my father’s footsteps is now a lifelong walk of faith which includes the lifelong practice of keeping my thoughts on the one who gave me faith in the first place. 

Every day, I remember that my dilemma of stinkin thinkin has been solved. I don’t have to wake up with anxiety, fear, and worry. I don’t have to stumble around in the dark. Instead God scripture tells me that I get to walk in the light. I no longer follow the ever changing philosophies of the day, but by the indwelling Spirit of God. My emotions don’t run the show, rather the truth does. I’ve been liberated from the past, delivered from the cycle of unhealthy thinking, and relieved from condemnation. 

Could I have had all of this at the age of twenty? Nope, but I’ve got it now!

Why Bother? 

Why bother growing up? We can all grow old, but growing old does not mean we’re grown up. God is the faithful Father who points us toward faith and then he is the faithful father who grows us up in our faith.