Forgive

I grew up emotionally ignorant. My understanding of how I felt was limited to feeling sad, mad, or glad. Consequently, after my father’s suicide, a barrage of foreign feelings descended upon me and the load seemed enormously cumbersome and awkward. I didn’t know how to label how I felt, but sad and mad were inadequate descriptors. 

As I observed those around me; Mom and older siblings, I noticed that they seemed to cope by not mentioning the unmentionable. As a result, I too ignored the unmentionable fact of Dad’s suicide. But, as the years went by, the pain and confusion I pretended was not there, began seeping out in the form of anger. 

Anger dominated my personality. It seemed to be in charge and though I wanted to tame it, it seemed untameable. When minor mishaps took place, my reaction was major. 

For instance, I recall a particular incident when my husband accidentally took my car keys with him when he left for work. We lived off grid without a landline and during the pre-cell-phone era. I had a whole list of things to do in town, but no way to get there. I fumed all day so that by time my husband arrived home his apology was insufficient to extinguish the heat and flames of my anger. 

It wasn’t until years later, when I felt dangerously close to hurting our rebellious teenage son, that I got scared and knew that I needed to address my rage. And so began my journey toward forgiveness. 

With prayer, journaling, fasting, and silent retreats at a monastery, I faced my past and acknowledged those cumbersome and awkward feelings that had descended upon me long ago, right after my father’s suicide. As an adult though, I could finally name what I’d felt as a kid; resentment, abandonment, and bitterness. As a grown up, I finally understood what I needed to do; forgive my dad.

Forgiving a Dead Man 

Until I began my journey toward forgiveness, I had no idea of how much power I’d given to feelings of resentment. Journeying toward forgiving Dad, uncovered what I’d tried to cover up, revealed what I’d tried to ignore, and forced me to remember what I’d tried to forget. But once I admitted, acknowledged, and told myself the truth about how I felt, then the choice to forgive Dad was within my reach. 

As a result of my journey toward forgiveness, I forgave my father. The buoyancy I felt in my heart was immediate and the peace I now feel dominates. 

Why Bother?

Why bother considering the benefits of forgiving? One of the benefits of forgiveness is that peace can replace our anger and anger gives up its reign.

You can read the whole story of my journey to forgiveness in my book, A Heart’s Journey To Forgiveness found at Redemption Press and Amazon.