Starting Out Vulnerable

Everyone of us is born dependent, unguarded and completely innocent. As for me, I was fortunate enough to have two parents and five older siblings who cared for me and cared about me.  Even though I grew up in a noisy and chaotic home, someone was always there to feed me, change my diaper and watch out for my safety. 

I had no reason to defend myself, be on guard, put up my dukes. My world felt mostly safe, until, my father ended his life by suicide. Then, I reasoned that I had to defend myself. If a father, who loved his daughter, could abandon her, God only knew what other tragedies awaited me.   

Encountering the trauma that I encountered at the age of thirteen, defending myself from any future hurt, seemed like the “right” response. And actually, it was for such a time as that. I was young, inexperienced in life, and left alone by everyone to figure things out for myself. With no directions, no counsel or consolation, what else could I do except to take a personal vow to never be vulnerable again? 

Invulnerable

My new identity for the next ten years or so was to become an invulnerable individual. My new identity included keeping an emotional distance from others, pretending I liked being a loner, and personifying independence. Committing to this new way of being, worked okay for a while until it didn’t work any more. 

Defending and relying completely on yourself twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week is exhausting. There is no way to relax, rest, or let your guard down. There is only high anxiety which leads to all kinds of crazy thinking and unhealthy life choices.

Eventually, my staunch stance against being vulnerable led me to believing that there was only one way to solve my sad dilemma. As my father had ended his life, so too should I. 

Obliterated Defenses

And so there I was, pondering how to end my life when suddenly my life was drastically altered by Jesus’ appearance. Then, in a matter of minutes my guise of keeping emotional distance from others, enjoying my loner hood, and my personification of independence was gently but thoroughly obliterated. I walked away from the encounter possessing a new life that I was eager to begin living.  

Why Bother?

Why bother being vulnerable again? We can all attest to being hurt. We all have our reasons to guard ourselves against any future harms. But, when we guard and shield ourselves from ever being wounded again, we also close ourselves off from what God makes possible; being a little less anxious, a little more happy and a bit more at ease in the world. 

You can read the whole story of my journey to forgiveness in my book, A Heart’s Journey To Forgiveness found at Redemption Press and Amazon. Also, please accept my invitation to attend the next Emotional Healing Through Forgiveness© workshop on Saturday, April 26, from 4-7 p.m. at the YMCA. Click on the link and scroll down to Events. https://tereseluikens.com/workshop/