Trust Again?

Trust is an important and fragile commodity in all our personal relationships.

Yet, who among us has not experienced the near fatal blow of shattered trust? 

We’ve all had our hearts broken. Everyone has experienced a painful breach, rupture or violation in a relationship. And yet, whatever offense, misdeed or transgression we’ve experienced does not mean that we have to forsake the idea of ever trusting anyone again.

My father’s suicide was indeed the biggest violation of trust. At the time, I was thirteen. And though there were tell tale signs of his demise; his alcoholism, his self-admission to a hospital for help, and Mom’s outsourcing of some us kids to other families, Dad’s suicide was still unimaginable for me. At thirteen, I was too young to connect the dots that could have warned me of the impending doom. 

Then the unforeseen and unimaginable happened; his self inflicted death blow. It shattered my heart as well as my trust. 

One night, lying in bed in the aftermath of my father’s death, I wondered how I could protect myself from any future hurt. An idea was hatched, alone and in the dark. I’d forfeit trusting anyone ever again. I’d trust in myself alone. 

As naive as this plan was, it helped me to survive for the next eight years. But, it also brought me to the end of myself. Distrust had taken me as far as it could and then left me at a juncture, at a life and death point. I had to make a choice. 

At twenty-one, I’d grown into an independent, strong minded, young woman. I’d graduated from college and was in pursuit of a career. But, I wasn’t happy or content and I lacked any personal peace. 

Since my father’s death, I’d fought against a constant undercurrent of turbulence that threatened to take me under and snuff me out. I was getting tired of the fight.

Then one day, I came face to face with two choices. I could give in to the constant turbulent undercurrent and end my life as my father had, or I could choose Jesus’ personal invitation to trust that he had a better way of living for me, one I could not fashion for myself.  

I took a risk and chose to trust the latter.

Since that day, I’ve discovered that trusting again is a life long choice we choose to live every day. But, it begins by relying on Someone I cannot see, believing Their intangible love for me and being assured of Their credibility. It begins with faith and faith cannot be lived without trust. 

Although it may feel like an insurmountable risk to trust again, continuing along the path of distrust does not increase happiness, contentment or peace. Trusting again, just might be the better alternative.

P.S.  I wrote the story of my journey to forgiveness for those who, like me, know they need to change, but are not quite sure where to start. You can find A Heart’s Journey To Forgiveness at Redemption Press and Amazon.