Old Motives

There was a day when, if I’d been caught, I could have been arrested for the possession of more than one illegal substance. There was a time when my common response to someone I disliked was to simply flip my middle finger up into their face and walk away. 

I used to pride myself with my sarcastic abilities. Like the old fashion gun duels in cowboy movies, I was quick to draw on sardonic, mocking and snide remarks and then watch my “opponent” retreat in defeat.

Though this was not the way I was raised, it was the way I lived for a while. Then, in my early twenties, I had a personal encounter with Jesus that I could not ignore because the unexpected experience literally saved my life. 

My old way of  living by ingesting illegal substances, using my middle finger to let others know what I thought of them and my quick caustic verbal reactions proved to be an inefficient way to live. At twenty-one, I was “rode hard and hung up wet” and ready to throw in the towel.  

While contemplating how to end my life, causing myself to drown in the lake I sat in front of at the time, seemed like an obvious choice. While thinking only about ending my life, a live image, whom I believed to be Jesus, appeared and invited me to live life differently and he’d even show me how. 

You can believe that I did not challenge him to a verbal duel, nor did I pop open my middle finger and put it up toward his face. No, instead I believed. His choice of living differently was better than my choice.  

Though I did not know what to call my experience, looking back on it, I can now say that I took myself out of my own keeping and put myself into his keeping.

New Motives

It wasn’t until I’d chosen by faith, to walk alongside Jesus, that I understood my motives behind my previous way of living. I was motivated by self-protection. I’d been hurt once and I was darn certain I never wanted to hurt like that again. 

I’m guessing the reason I thought living the way I did was not because I didn’t know better. It was because I didn’t know how to be better. Not until meeting Jesus and having him show me the way could I go any other way than the way I was going. 

Did God hand me a twelve step program to live by? No. It is instead, a relationship with Jesus that compels me to live differently. I am no longer driven to be and do as I’d once been and done. My motives no longer originate with self protection. My motives now originate from the perfect love with which I am loved.

Why Bother?

Why bother musing on our motives? Our motives impel our actions. Consequently, musing on our motives shines a light on what compels us toward superb or deplorable, truthful or dishonest actions. After meeting up with Jesus I now know that when my motives originate from the love with which he loves me, then, I’m going the better way.