
Why Bother Thinking About Forgiving?
Noticing
Noticing when we are ill is the first step in becoming well. If we do not acknowledge our illness, why would we pursue getting better?
Like a runny nose or sneezing indicates the onset of a cold, my uncontrollable anger indicated that something was not right on my insides.
As much as possible, I’d tried controlling my anger; biting the inside of my cheek, taking deep breaths, telling myself that not everything was a moral issue, and that I was not the blessed controller of all things. But these strategies only worked for a nano second until my anger was once again triggered by the slightest incident.
Coming to terms with the fact that my anger was out of control was the first step in my journey toward emotional healing.
Committed to this journey of healing, I often took a weekend and went away to a monastery. There, alone, in the quiet, without any obligations, I’d fast, sleep, walk, write, cry and pray.
I yearned for answers to questions such as, “Why was I so angry?” “Why won’t this anger go away?”
My questions took me back to the past, back to where my anger originated, back to my father’s suicide. It was awfully uncomfortable.
I remember how my rage made its first appearance when I was thirteen and my father ended his life by suicide. In the days following his death while stewing in a conglomeration of emotions, I felt anger toward Dad. He’d turned my life upside down and inside out with his death. But, then I felt guilty for feeling angry.
Taking cues from the adults in my life, I learned to squelch my anger, push it down, deny and ignore it. Though denying my anger helped me push forward in life, becoming an adult who wanted genuine and honest relationships with her husband, sons and siblings, I knew that my previous method of ignoring my anger no longer worked.
During those trips to the monastery, I learned to contemplate, to sit still, to meditate and trust God to guide me away from my anger and toward internal peace. I was surprised when my heart’s desire was fulfilled. It came with one word: forgive.
Forgiving
I’d believed that my dad was responsible for my unhappiness. After all, if he’d not left me, my life would have turned out so much better. I’d held a debt over my Dad’s head ever since he’d ended his life; you owe me a better childhood.
But, I was holding onto a debt that my dad could never pay. He could never undo what he’d done. He could never undo what I went through.
To forgive means to excuse, pardon, remit, or cancel a wrong or a wrongdoer. When we choose to forgive, we make a conscious choice to no longer nurse the grudges we hold, ruminate on revenge, let bitterness simmer on the back burner or wait for our offender to make things right. Forgiving my dad released me from my old anger. It was a transformational moment.
Why Bother?
Why bother thinking about forgiving? When we forgive, unforgiveness, resentments, grudges, and animosity lose their place and space in our minds. Though someone may not be able to receive our gift of forgiveness, they don’t need to. The act of forgiving may be just for us.
New Release
