Learning

Presently, I am reading Hillbilly Elegy, A Memoir of a Family and Culture in Crisis by J.D. Vance. The author and I have something in common. We both grew up with adverse childhood experiences, and our childhood trauma left its mark on us. 

Mr. Vance uses the term “learned helplessness,” to describe something he learned as a kid. “Learned helplessness,” he states, “is when a person believes that the choices they make have no effect on the outcome of their life.” 

I can relate to that particular frame of thought. Having survived my father’s suicide, I know what it is like to feel completely powerless, to feel as though the choices you make will most likely change very little about your life. Yet, you keep trying to change your circumstances for the better. Powerlessness is a horrible feeling.

Consequently, to overcome my feelings of powerlessness, shortly after my father’s death, I pretended that I was strong. I personified a sense of independence and painted a thin veneer of self-confidence over my plethora of fears. 

This is how I survived my teenage and young adult years. These skills are what got me through high school, what helped me to leave home and what launched me into living my own life as best I could. 

But shams are hard to sustain. Eventually, if one wants to actually live and not just survive, one has to come clean. Pretending is no way to live.

Unlearning

Mr. Vance’s book reveals how he unlearned what he learned in childhood. First, he enlisted into the Marines, then he went college, then to Yale. Finally, he married a very wonderful woman who has helped him to live much differently from the way he was raised. Unlearning his learned helplessness helped him to land a job in the White House as Vice President. 

I too have unlearned some things from my childhood and continue to unlearn albeit in a different way than J.D. Vance. 

My unlearning began when I accepted God’s invitation to live differently than how I was living. Since that initial invitation, more than four decades ago, my relationship with God continues. 

Unlearning never happens all at once. Rather, it is a process called being transformed by the renewing of our mind. It is lifelong and takes place in subtle ways day in and day out. 

Reading and memorizing scripture, those truthful words have a way of weaving themselves into the fabric of our lives. For instance, passages such as, “Be anxious for nothing,” becomes for me, “I have nothing to be anxious about.” A truth such as this, brings me peace in the midst of any trying circumstance. 

Why Bother?

Why bother unlearning? We learn out of necessity. But sometimes it becomes necessary to unlearn it.

You can read the whole story of my journey to forgiveness in my book, A Heart’s Journey To Forgiveness found at Redemption Press and Amazon.