Dissonance

Ever have those times when you know you shouldn’t be doing something, but you do it anyway? How about those times when you know you should be doing something, but you don’t do it? Ugh! When I go through episodes, its a little maddening to my mind. 

According to The New Lexicon Webster’s Dictionary of the English Language, dissonance is a noun. It means, “discord, disagreement, inconsistency between words and actions or words and beliefs, or between beliefs.”

When we have dissonance within ourselves it is called cognitive dissonance. Like the title of a song from 1980’s,  “Should I stay or Should I go?” we replay, in our minds, the pros and cons, the logistics and the reasons, along with options and alternatives over and over again until we finally decide which way we’ll go.  

None of us are immune to cognitive dissonance and when it arises, it arises for a reason. Cognitive dissonance, in a way, forces our hand, so to speak. We have to decide one way or the other otherwise, we’ll go on living inharmoniously with feelings of restlessness, uncertainty, and irritability. Like a washing machine out of balance, our internal inharmoniousness will make a lot of noise until we lift the lid and adjust whatever is under there.  

Though I did not know the term, cognitive dissonance, at the age of 13, I bumped head first into it.  

Honesty was a virtue instilled, highly regarded and I thought, exemplified by Dad’s life. But, his suicide, along with Mom’s response of denial, seemed to challenge that particular virtue I’d been taught. Consequently, confusion ensued inside of me. 

I longed for honesty, but Mom had no intention of sitting down and having an honest conversation with me about Dad’s death, then or even later when I was an adult.  

In the same way, how was I to believe any of the truths that Dad had taught me when those truths did not seem viable in light of how he chose to end his own life? 

This dissonance of such things caused an enormous and cumbersome emotional dilemma and it took me a very long time to sort it all out.  

The dissonance within me dissolved when I finally recognized that I still believed in honesty for myself. For me, it was still a virtuous and valuable virtue. Though my parents had seemingly lost their connection with honesty, it did not mean I had to lose mine too. 

Why Bother?

Why bother tuning into personal dissonance? When we decide to pay attention and stop ignoring our internal disharmony, then we are ready to listen. Listening for what we believe to be true will bring us back to living in accordance with ourselves.

P.S I wrote the story of my journey to forgiveness for those who, like me, know they need to change, but are not quite sure where to start. You can find A Heart’s Journey To Forgiveness at Redemption Press and Amazon.