Keep Learning About Our Spouse

My husband proposed to me three times before I said, “yes,” because the idea of marriage scared me. I wasn’t sure what to expect from it. But, I’m glad I did say, “yes,” that I’m elated and I’m still in love, and at ease with our marriage. 

Though I did not investigate the true meaning of marriage before committing myself to it, I did have a vague idea that it meant making a mutual commitment. I knew that he’d be my husband and I’d be his wife for life. 

It was the part about making the commitment for life that made me feel a bit uneasy.  What was I supposed to do with my “what ifs?”

What if he decided to leave me? This was a fear embedded into my thinking based on how I’d observed my parent’s marriage. My father “left” my mother by taking his own life after about 25 years of being married to her. I equated his suicide as leaving her. 

My fear was that if I married my husband he too could very well “leave” me. 

Another “what if” was my worry about becoming a tyrannical wife; the kind of trait Mom displayed toward my dad in the latter part of her marriage to him. 

I vividly remember how she’d stomp her feet, point her finger toward his chest, clench her jaw and accuse him. Her anger toward him unsettled me, making me afraid, and uncertain about their marriage. Would they stay together?  

I kept my “what ifs” to myself and we became husband and wife on August 2, 1980. But, I discovered that I didn’t have to voice my worries. My husband already intuitively knew about them. Unbeknownst to me, I’d married a very emotionally and discreet wise guy. 

Slowly, gently, and in his unassuming ways he assured me that it made perfect sense for me to think the way I thought. He respected my “what ifs,” and understood them. He never demanded that I change.

But one day, he broached the topic head on by softly saying, “I’m not your dad.” Which meant I wasn’t my mother, which equated to the fact that our marriage was our marriage; unique just like we were.

That was a poignant and pivotal point in our relationship. His words liberated me from my worries of “what if,” and ever since then, we’ve both been free to simply be us. 

The longer we are husband and wife, the more deeply and intimately acquainted we become with each other. We both know what wears us down and what builds us up. We understand each other’s fears, and share similar hopes. We don’t finish each other’s thoughts, but instead, ask each other to clarify their thoughts. We don’t always think the same, so we leave each other plenty of room to think differently.  

Neither of us are the same as we were when we started out. Instead, we’ve made each other better. 

Why Bother?

Why bother to keep learning about our spouse? The person we marry is most likely like us; a human being susceptible to change in thoughts, moods, and emotions. Consequently, when we take the time to pay close attention to getting to know them for who they are, our understanding of them can deepen into a compelling relationship that may exceed whatever we may have thought at the start.

P. S.  I wrote the story of my journey to forgiveness for those who need clarity when it comes to understanding forgiveness. You can find A Heart’s Journey To Forgiveness at Redemption Press and Amazon.