Trust Again?

We’ve all had our hearts broken at least once. Everyone has experienced a painful breach,  rupture or violation in a relationship. And yet, whatever offense, misdeed or transgression we’ve experienced does not mean that we have to forsake the idea of ever trusting anyone again.

My father’s suicide was indeed the biggest violation of trust. At the time, I was thirteen. And though there were tell tale signs of his demise; his alcoholism, his self-admission to a hospital for help, and Mom’s outsourcing of some us kids to other families, Dad’s suicide was still unimaginable for me. At thirteen, I was too young to connect the dots that could have helped me foresee the impending doom and trauma. 

Then the unforeseen and unimaginable happened and it shattered my heart. From then on, all I could do was to think about how to protect the small piece of my heart that was left. 

Faith

One night, lying in bed in the aftermath of Dad’s death, I made the decision to forfeit trusting anyone ever again. It seemed like a good plan, one that would protect the small piece of my heart that was left. That decision, to trust in myself alone, as naive as it was, helped me to survive those turbulent adolescent and early adult years. 

But, then, I came to a dead end. Distrusting others had taken me as far as it could and left me at a life and death juncture. It was time to choose. It was time to change my direction. 

At twenty-one, I was an independent, strong minded, young woman. I’d gone to college. I had a boyfriend. I was in pursuit of a career. But, I wasn’t happy or content and I lacked any personal peace. In my mind, I fought against a constant undercurrent of turbulence that threatened to take me under and snuff me out. I was getting tired of the fight.

On a particular day, I came face to face with my thoughts. I had two choices. I could give in to the constant turbulent undercurrent and put an end to my life, or I could believe that my recent encounter with God was a chance to choose a new way to live my life. I chose the latter.

Why Bother?

Why bother thinking about trusting again? Trust once failed does not have to be the end of trust. Although it may feel like an insurmountable risk to trust again, continuing along the path of distrust does not decrease our unhappiness, discontentment or take away that turbulent undercurrent that threatens to snuff us out. Trusting again, just might be the better alternative.

P.S.  I wrote the story of my journey to forgiveness for those who, like me, know they need to change, but are not quite sure where to start. You can find A Heart’s Journey To Forgiveness at Redemption Press and Amazon.