Mistrust  

Recently, my husband and I took a drive and spent the night in a funky little town away from the noise and hubbub of the weekend holiday. The little get away was wonderful. We sat by the river, read and napped in the sun. We ate a tasty lunch, walked about the little town and conversed over dinner. Nothing wild and crazy, just ordinary and at the same time spectacular.  

Though we’ve been married for quite some time, I never tire of spending time with him.  I do not take our marriage, our relationship or our love for granted. Instead, I am grateful. 

I almost missed out on this gift of this man’s love for me. I almost missed out on the riches and treasures found in our relationship. I’d said, “no,” to his first two marriage proposals. Then, I said, “yes,” when he proposed to me for the third time. It is a good thing he persisted.  

I will admit, I was a tough cookie, a hard nut to crack. But I had good reasons to doubt the intentions of my husband-to-be. My trust had been violated before. Consequently, I was on guard.

 When I was thirteen, my father ended his life by suicide. For me, it was the biggest violation of trust I’d ever experience. Though there were tell tale signs of his demise; his alcoholism, his self-admission to a hospital for help, and Mom’s outsourcing of some us kids to other families, Dad’s suicide was still unimaginable for me. 

Consequently, when it happened, it shattered my heart. From then on, all I could do was to think about how to protect the small piece of my heart that was left. The only way I could think of protecting myself from any further hurt was to don a thick shield of mistrust. 

Then, unexpectedly and without looking, a man who said he loved me, shows up in my life. At first, I did not take him seriously. Instead, I remained dubious and defensive. His first proposal did not even make me think twice. It was easy to tell him no.

But, he was not deterred. He stuck around and proposed yet again. This time his proposal made me think that he might be serious, that I should at least think about it. Again, it was a fleeting thought. I wasn’t ready to let my guard down.  

Then his third proposal came. This one I decided I had to really consider; was he trustworthy? Though I wanted a guarantee, I knew there were no guarantees. I’d have to take the risk of trusting again and so I did. 

Our marriage gives me daily opportunities to keep on trusting and so I do. I’m glad I took the risk and set aside my thick shield of mistrust. 

Why Bother?

Why bother setting aside mistrust? Mistrust incapacitates our relationships while trust, it empowers them.

P.S.  I wrote the story of my journey to forgiveness for those who, like me, know they need to change, but are not quite sure how to start. You can find A Heart’s Journey To Forgiveness at Redemption Press and Amazon.