Risky

To love another person or to allow ourselves to believe that someone loves us is a risky venture. There are no guarantees that our love or acceptance of another’s love will result in a “happy ever after,” experience. 

This is why it took three proposals from my husband-to-be before I agreed to marry him.

Believing that he loved me and wanted to marry me felt too risky. I wanted, but could not have, an assurance that my marriage would not end up like my mother’s; widowed by suicide. 

I was not worried that my future husband might end his life. My worry was abandonment. My dad’s suicide showed me that anyone, even the one who says they love you, can abandon you. Consequently, I reasoned, if I accepted this marriage proposal, then I was putting myself at risk. Marriage was a gamble, unpredictable and perhaps even perilous. Did I really want to subject myself to such things? Did I want to risk the possibility of being abandoned, yet again?

But the more time I spent with my husband-to-be, the more I realized that unless I trusted his love for me, I’d never know what it was like to be loved by him. I’d only know what it was like to live with the regret of not being loved by him.

That internal debate of “trust that he loves me, no, don’t trust that he loves me,” ended on August 2, 1980 when we said our wedding vows and committed to cherishing each other until death parts us. 

Since that day in August, I’ve matured in love. I am no longer that woman who fears being abandoned. Instead, I’ve learned what it is like to give and receive love generously. 

I am glad I said, “Yes,” to the man who proposed marriage to me three times. I am happy that I chose to believe in his love for me. I am delighted to be the recipient of his love. 

Personal Relationship

I like to tell this particular story of my husband and I because it depicts the story of my relationship with God.

Though I cannot recall if God told me that he loved me three times or three times a dozen, the one time I believed him and agreed with him was all that was needed. 

Though I had no idea what it would be like to be a recipient of God’s love, to say, “Yes,” I have no regrets to being loved by God. Knowing that God loves me changed and continues to change me. 

I am a woman who is loved forever and with a forever love. This frees me from any fear of abandonment. God’s love, shown by the ultimate sacrifice of his Son on my behalf, shows me that I too can love others with generous love. 

I am glad I said, “Yes,” to God’s love for me. I am happy that I chose to believe that he loves me. I am delighted to be the recipient of his love. 

Why Bother? 

Why bother saying, “Yes,” to God’s love? Saying “Yes,” to God’s love changes everything about us. Is it a risk worth taking? I’d have to say, “Yes, it is worth the risk.” Just ask my husband.