Understanding Our Grievance 

“How can I respond to what I cannot understand?” This question was asked by a young girl, a character in a book, who witnessed the atrocities against her and her family for merely being Jewish. 

Her question resonates with me because, until I understand the wrong done against me, it is rather impossible for me to forgive my offender. 

Discovering how to understand our grievance begins with realizing that our wounds are constructed with certain components. I like the way Dr. Frederick Luskin describes the parts of our long-standing hurts in his book, Forgive For Good. 

One piece of our injury is attached to how we take it. We can take it impersonally which keeps us in denial or we can take it with an exaggerated sense of a personal affront.

It took me a bit of time to sort this idea out for myself. I had to ask myself some questions such as; how could I not my fathers’ death by suicide any other way than as a direct offense? His action made me feel abandoned, hurt, rejected, misled, and betrayed. Of course I took it personally. From my point of view, he hurt me.

Only later in life, as an adult, could I see his death from a different point of view. My father was an alcoholic. Alcoholics are twice as likely to die by suicide as those without this psychiatric illness. He was also a veteran. Veterans have a higher rate of suicide than non-veterans. 

These facts did not take away the harm that I felt was done to me. But these facts helped me to diffuse the bitter blame I had against my father for hurting me. 

Why Bother?

Why bother knowing how to understand our grievance? Our grievances are built with particular components. When we understand how they are constructed, then we can de-struct and defuse them, no longer allowing them to spill out all over everyone in our lives.

P.S.  I wrote the story of my journey to forgiveness for those who, like me, know they need to change, but are not quite sure where to start. You can find A Heart’s Journey To Forgiveness at Redemption Press and Amazon.