Traditions

Every family has its traditions, customs, routines and practices that are unique to them. Some of those customs, healthy or not, are carried on from generation to generation along family lines.

For instance, I remember the days leading up to the first Christmas that my husband and I would spend together as a married couple. I wanted to know about some of his family’s holiday traditions so that we could commingle customs and create new ones for ourselves as a family. 

Consequently, over dinner one night, I asked, “What were some of the things your family did to celebrate Christmas?”

He told me that there was always a real Christmas tree as opposed to an artificial one. There was a Christmas dinner that included oyster stew and gift exchange was done on Christmas morning.

 Then I told him how my family observed Christmas. It began with Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve and then opening one gift after Mass. We’d always had a real live tree up until the time of my Dad’s death. After that, Mom bought an artificial one. Christmas dinner, a formal affair, included prime rib as the centerpiece.

Discussing which customs we wanted to continue, my husband and I decided to forgo Christmas dinner as a formal affair. He hated oyster stew and we could never afford prime rib. Midnight Mass was also out of the question and so were any artificial trees. 

As a result, our Christmas traditions include a real tree, Christmas morning breakfast with family and if we are inspired to give gifts, they are given out on Christmas day. In essence, we keep Christmas simple, peaceful and delightful for ourselves and for those around us. 

Breaking the Silence

There are other family practices that, unless they are brought to the light, may stick with us for years wreaking havoc instead of peace and goodwill toward man. One such observance was my mother’s practice of silence, repression, secrecy, and concealment. 

Though it may have been a historical convention of the 1970 era, an acceptable routine of the Catholic Church, or simply my mother’s choice to remain voiceless; my Dad’s suicide and Mom’s muteness coincided. 

As a result of Mom’s incommunicativeness, my ability to grieve was delayed by years. Not until a decade after Dad’s death did I broach the subject with someone who also happened to be a counselor. 

They listened, asked some questions and slowly guided me to a better understanding of myself and my parents. What finally freed me to begin working through my detained grief was the simple yet profound invitation to speak candidly about what fueled my grief in the first place.  

After that, it made sense how silence, inexpression, secrecy, evasion, repression, denial and concealment had wreaked havoc in my relationship with others including my husband and my siblings. 

Since then, and as much as possible, with those closest to me, I practice genuineness, honesty, intentional listening and empathy. 

Why Bother?

Why bother breaking family traditions? There are some family customs that are worth maintaining and others that need to go. Thankfully we all have the power to consider what is worth keeping and what is not. Knowing the difference makes a difference.