What Doesn’t Feel Okay?

We’ve all experienced the discomfort that accompanies waiting. We want things to change, but we have no power to make the changes we want. 

For instance, years ago, when my husband and I bought five acres of land, our plan was to build a house on our property. The property was eight miles up a dusty county road and a quarter mile off that dusty county road. 

Nothing but trees and grass land surrounded our acreage. It was quiet, beautiful and ours. 

We’d borrowed $5,000 from a friend to purchase the property and then chose to do everything else, including building our house, without borrowing any more money. 

We paid $400 to buy an old house to tear down and committed ourselves to the work of harvesting the building material. Then, we hauled the boards to our building site. By the time autumn arrived, we were living in our “new” home with kerosene lamps, a cook stove, outdoor jon and a cooler for a refrigerator. 

My husband assured me that our primitive living would change in the spring when he planned to pursue putting in electricity. I could live okay knowing that the circumstances were just temporary.

But the temporary time table turned into an indefinite amount of time when we discovered that we did not possess the legal access to our property like we thought we had. Consequently, we could not pursue running any electricity to our property until the legal issue was cleared up. 

Suddenly, knowing that our primitive lifestyle was no longer temporary, but instead indefinite, I was no longer okay. Instead, I became livid, first at my husband, then at the title company and finally at the man who’d sold us the property. My indignation, though, changed nothing about my circumstances. 

So, while I waited for something to change, I kept doing what I’d been doing; I hauled water, I chopped wood, and kept the pathway from the house to the outdoor jon cleared of snow. But, I was not happy.

In the midst of the legal troubles of securing easement to our property, another trouble arose; my husband had an on the job accident that kept him out of work and on the couch for a few months. 

How did I respond? Not very well. Ever hear of the martyr syndrome? It goes something like this; go ahead, add another boulder to my load. 

Eventually, we settled the easement issue, got electricity, running water and a telephone. My husband’s injury healed and he returned to work and I got over being a livid martyr. 

Since then, I’ve had more experiences with those “beyond my control kind of circumstances,” and am learning how not to turn into a livid martyr.

It is a bit crazy, but it is also true; when things arise that are beyond our control we can know that it is the perfect time to develop patience and strength. We may not be able to do much about our circumstances, other than to continue waiting, but we can be sure that only by going through such times the admired and sought after virtues of patience and inner strength are being developed. Without realizing that pressure, affliction and hardships develop virtuous characteristics, I’d still be that livid martyr.   

Why Bother?

Why bother being okay in the midst of what doesn’t feel okay? If we know that in the midst of pressure, affliction and hardships, an inner patience and strength are being formed, then that pressure, affliction and hardship is okay with me.

P.S.  I wrote the story of my journey to forgiveness for those who, like me, know they need to change, but are not quite sure where to start. You can find A Heart’s Journey To Forgiveness at Redemption Press and Amazon.