Real relationships are messy. They are times of miscommunication, misunderstanding, unmet expectations, and hurt feelings. 

More often than not though, the people closest to us do not set their sights on trying to make our lives miserable. But sometimes, when their misery cannot be contained, it  spills out all over those who are closest to them.  

The greatest challenge for those who get splattered by a loved one’s misery is to not blame, to refrain from bitterness and resist revenge.  

    Not Guilty

My dad did a good job of being my dad, and consequently, as a kid, I did not know about his load of despair.  

Until anguish completely overtook him, he went to work everyday, took his family to church on Sundays, and read bedtime stories before tucking us in at night. My young and innocent heart believed that Dad was trustworthy, confident, and loved me dearly.  

But, as I grew older, I had doubts about Dad’s wellness. I witnessed arguments between him and Mom that made me worry. I got afraid when he became violently angry toward my youngest brother. His excessive drinking until finally passing out in a chair in the living room made me anxious. Something was amiss, but I did not know what it was or what caused it. 

Then, Dad ended his life and suddenly, I felt like a victim, trying to swim against the tide of misery. His death filled my life, inside and out, with sadness and anger. The longer I remained in this state, the more natural it felt for me to blame him for my hurting heart. 

Then my misery spilled out all over those closest to me; my sons, and my husband. The cycle of my father’s misery and mine needed to come to an end. 

My greatest obstacle to ending my misery was my naivete. I didn’t know how to stop blaming or how to rid myself of bitterness. What I did know how to do was to ask for help, and after asking for help, I waited for wisdom. 

It wasn’t long before my prayer was answered with one word; forgive. It was by forgiving my dad for the hurt he caused me that I finally stepped out of the cycle of blame and bitterness. 

Why bother applying forgiveness? A liberal dose of forgiveness is what our wounds cry out for. Where there is forgiveness, there is healing.