The Cycle of Unforgiveness

Unforgiveness has a way of tethering our thoughts to the past because thoughts of unforgiveness are cyclical and cycles are hard to break. 

A familiar pattern of unforgiving thoughts might go like this: I think about the person and how they offended me. Then, I ruminate on that particular event and person. I never come to any kind of solution. I only feel as bad or even worse than when the event first occurred because I’ve regurgitated all the old emotions that accompany the initial offense. 

Those old emotions that are attached to our cycle of unforgiving thoughts stay with us as long as we stay in the cycle of unforgiveness. Though we may grow tired of remembering those thoughts and feelings, they do not go away until we decide to step out of the cycle of unforgiveness.

Before our old thoughts about unforgiveness turn themselves around to forgiveness, we’ll have to adopt a new way of thinking. Thinking differently about unforgiveness starts with thinking differently about ourselves. 

I remember how I began my journey to forgiveness. It was my first visit to the Monastery of St. Gertrude’s. A friend had invited me to go with her to a Contemplative Prayer Retreat hosted by the monastery and I’d accepted her invitation.  

Though I attended the sessions slated for the retreat, I also took hikes by myself in the surrounding forest. 

While on one of those hikes, I sat down for a bit to contemplate and the memories of my father’s suicide surfaced. I hated those memories. But I couldn’t forget them either. 

I ruminated on my mother’s lie, her way of explaining my father’s death to me; “His heart just stopped.” Then I’d think about how wrong it was for Dad to abandon me on purpose. When the tears rolled down my face I’d get angry at myself for still feeling the way I felt about something that happened so long ago. 

Ever hear the definition of insanity? Insanity is thinking or doing the same thing over and over again and yet expecting different results. 

But this time, while sitting on a stump in the woods, something different happened. A new thought surfaced. It went like this. “It makes sense you’d feel this way about your mom and dad. What happened wasn’t right.”

Where in God’s name did that merciful thought come from? I wasn’t sure, but over the next several months, I followed that thread of thinking which eventually led me to knowing that I needed to forgive my offenders. 

Why Bother?

Why bother stepping out of the cycle of unforgiveness? Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. Stepping out of the cycle of unforgiveness makes us sane again.

The more we know that unforgiveness wreaks havoc in our lives, the more we will want to pursue our choice to forgive.

P.S.  I wrote the story of my journey to forgiveness for those who, like me, know they need to change, but are not quite sure where to start. You can find A Heart’s Journey To Forgiveness at Redemption Press and Amazon.