Can and Can’t Control

Sometimes I forget that I’m not the blessed controller of all things. When this simple, yet profound truth is forgotten by any one of us, then we overwhelm ourselves with the worry, guilt and anxiety that comes from thinking that we are the blessed controller of all things.

I once had an elderly neighbor by the name of Diane. Diane’s second story windows looked out over our backyard and so of course she could watch the comings and goings especially of my sons when they played in the yard. 

One day, Diane came to my front door and I invited her to come in for coffee introducing her to my sons who were then 4, 8, and 12. 

After that, oftentimes, Diane would invite me over to her house for coffee and I’d keep an eye and ear out for my sons while they played in our back yard. At the same time, I’d share some of my anxieties with her; our oldest son’s obstinance, our middle son’s timidity and our youngest son’s fearlessness. 

“Ah,” she said. “You’re the type of mom who has to remember that each of your kids is unique and comes with their own free will.” “Free will,” Diane went on to say, “is something that no one can control and trying to will only make things worse for everyone. The best thing you can do is to tend to your own knitting.” 

Those words rang louder and clearer in my head as my sons grew into independent young men. Although I still sometimes crave to take control over my now grown sons’ free will, attempting to persuade them to make a different choice, or offering unsolicited advice, I don’t. 

It is not easy for moms of grown children to tend to their own knitting because we think we know the outcome of the choices our grown children make. We think we know that the things they are doing will most likely turn out for the worse and not the better. 

Yet, trying to stop them, giving them advice they never asked for or begrudging them for their decision only makes things worse for everyone. Allowing them to exercise their free will frees us from thinking we are the ones still in charge. 

Why Bother?

Why bother being grateful knowing what we can and can’t control? Knowing what we can and can’t control gives us incredible power and focused attention to tend to our own “knitting.” In this way we can make our own lives different; free from worry, guilt and anxiety that comes with thinking we are the blessed controller of all things. 

P.S.  I wrote the story of my journey to forgiveness for those who, like me, know they need to change, but are not quite sure where to start. You can find A Heart’s Journey To Forgiveness at Redemption Press and Amazon.