A Better Past?

“Forgiveness is giving up all hope of a better past,” is a quote from Lilly Tomlin. I have no idea what her past was like, but this quote reminds me that forgiveness is about our present reality, not what happened in our past. 

I know from experience, that trauma is nothing that is necessarily talked about, but it also nothing that can be forgotten. 

Consequently, the family phone calls that began for my siblings and me five years ago, and continues today, I believe, were a Godsend for me.

It’s been said that for a child it is no relief to feel sadness or anger if no one is there to receive those emotions and to provide some comfort or containment. There is only so much energy the nervous system can expend pushing down powerful emotions that cry out for expression. 

Consequently, these family phone calls allow myself, as well as some of my other siblings, to express what we could not express as children. 

My siblings and I know that we cannot go back and change the traumatic event in our past. Instead, we know that we have to live in the present as best we can.

It wasn’t until after I chose to forgive my dad for ending his life by suicide, that I realized the choice to forgive him brought with it tangible and life changing benefits. 

For instance, letting go of the charges against him I also relinquished my right to hold him accountable to how my life turned out. I switched my thinking from a victim mentality to taking responsibility for making a mentally healthier life for myself. 

Forgiveness has also helped me to see that I don’t have to remember Dad by his last act. Rather, I can see him as having had a many faceted life.

 He was a kind hearted, compassionate and loving man who battled demons I knew nothing about. 

Choosing to forgive my dad for ending his life by suicide, meant not forgetting about my past, but rather remembering that the trauma happened, but so did my forgiveness. And I can live in the present reality of what forgiveness does for me. 

Why Bother?

Why bother giving up hope for a better past? Giving up hope for a better past means we can’t go “Back to the Future.” Instead, our hope lies in living today with the benefits that accompany our choice to forgive. 

P.S.  I wrote the story of my journey to forgiveness for those who need clarity when it comes to understanding forgiveness. You can find A Heart’s Journey To Forgiveness at Redemption Press and Amazon.