On my wedding day, when I walked down that church aisle, I thought about a plan of escape. Just in case my marriage did not work, I told myself that I could always get a divorce. Not a great way to start one’s marriage.

Shutting the Door 

As a result of holding onto my getaway scheme, the first three years of my marriage, I had one foot out the door. Those early years were certainly not the best years. I wasn’t unhappy all the time, only when I thought my husband had let me down. 

My expectations for him, unbeknownst to me, were a little bit out of the ballpark. I thought he was supposed to make me happy and supply my every need. I’d imagined marriage to be a happily ever after scenario. Instead, it was more like trying to canoe by myself through choppy waters in the fog; lots of work without knowing where I’d end up. 

There came a time, though, when I knew I had to decide to either stay in the marriage or ask for a divorce. I weighed my options then chose to stay. Choosing to stay meant I had to eliminate the back up plan I’d always had; a divorce. 

I never told my husband how I’d tussled with the “should I stay or should I go?” dilemma until one warm October evening when we were out for a walk. I’d settled our newborn son into a baby carrier and strapped the carrier to my chest. Soon he was fast asleep. As my husband and I made our way along an old logging road lined with golden colored tamarack trees, I thought it was the perfect time for me to come clean. I admitted to him that I’d had a back up plan in place from the first day of our marriage. Somehow, he’d already sensed that. Then I told him that I’d decided to close the door on my back plan. Somehow he’d already sensed that as well. I asked him how he knew.

“I could tell something had shifted inside of you because you seem more content now than you ever have been.”

What a wise guy I married. Since letting my escape plan go, I’d felt a rare sense of contentment growing inside of me. Commitment to our marriage became my plan and though we’ve paddled through some choppy waters, we’ve done it together. 

Recently, a friend shared with me that they’d decided to close the door to their escape plan, a much more horrific one than getting divorced. Instead, they’d always had an escape plan for their life. They had formulated a way that they would end their own life when things got too awful to handle. But, they’ve decided to eliminate that plan of action and commit to staying alive instead. 

Why bother closing doors? Those ideas that take life and joy away from us are the ideas we need to close the doors on. Eliminating those thoughts for good, will bring good into our lives.