When my father ended his life by suicide, I was just thirteen. Suddenly, my world went from safe and reliable, to chaotic and confounding. I survived, but not without a few scars. For instance, the experience of losing my father to suicide changed my point of view. Instead of seeing everyone as trustworthy, I viewed everyone as suspect. 

Higher Than Our Ways

Some have said that God has a sense of humor. I say that God has a peculiar way of accomplishing his plans. 

After my father’s death, distrusting people was the norm. Consequently, I maintained a certain degree of emotional distance between myself and others, and always had an escape plan. 

For example, even though I’d fallen head over heels for my husband, walking down the aisle on my wedding day I thought, “If this does not work out, I can always get a divorce.” But, after forty-four years, I’m grateful that I am still married and married to the same man.

My marriage and my relationship with God are very similar. I said “yes” to my husband’s proposal for marriage, albeit his third proposal and God’s first invitation, (it was a matter of life and death), for a personal relationship with him. At the onset of either of these relationships, I had no idea what I had committed to. 

I knew my husband somewhat, and God even less than somewhat. But, getting to know and trust both of them has been as simple and as complicated as learning how to have honest and regular conversations with both of them, though not at the same time. 

How we converse with God, a spouse or with someone whom we value greatly, is not as important as actually taking the time to have a conversation. 

At first, my husband and I talked about benign topics such as home improvement plans and the grocery list. Mundane as these conversations appeared, they laid the foundation for our faith and reliance on each other so that eventually, our dialogues included questions about our faith and fears that concerned us. Even though we may not always understand each other; “You’re afraid of what?” We do trust each other.  

And so it is with getting to know God. 

My trust in God, like my trust in my husband, is built bit by bit as I spend time sharing my fears, concerns, hopes and dreams and then listening for a response that comes in some form or another. More often than not, the spiritual boost I need or those necessary words of wisdom come from recalling a truth from scripture or a timely phone call from someone who says, “You were on my heart and I was prompted to call.” 

Though I can’t say that I understand the why behind the ways of God such as those times when I ask, but do not instantly receive, I trust that God has a peculiar way of accomplishing in me, precisely what needs accomplishing. 

Why bother building trustfulness? Instead of seeing everyone as suspect, I can view them differently now. Who would have believed that my point of view could change?