The word congruent, as a geometry term, refers to the equality between two shapes; two figures having the same shape and size, a mirror image of the other. But, we can also use the term congruent when referring to our insides and our outsides. 

      Incongruent

When shapes or figures do not mirror each other, then they are incongruent. When our interior emotions do not match up with our exterior actions then we are incongruent as well.

I like the analogy, “We may be sitting down on the outside, but we are standing up on the inside.” In other words, we may look passive and compliant on the outside, but inside we are raging. To say the least, personal incongruence feels awkward and uncomfortable. We know something is not right between what we are feeling and saying.  

I did not start out incongruent with my emotions, rather I became incongruent with my emotions and my actions after my dad’s suicide. 

Raging against my mother for not telling me the truth was not an option. When she told me the reason for my dad’s death; his heart just stopped, I wanted to yell, “You’re lying!” But that was not an option. Dad had always stressed, “Respect your mother,” and as much as I wanted to “talk back” to her, I knew I wasn’t supposed to do that. 

But what if I had? What if I’d yelled, “You’re lying!” Would the 30 year span of time that it took for me to become aware of my incongruent emotions be shortened?  I will never know. But this much I do know; once we become alerted to our inconsistency between our insides and our outsides, the work can begin. 

And I must say, at first, it is awfully laborious to bring our emotions into a compatible state with our actions. But, I can also vouch for how much better it is for us to live in harmony with ourselves than to live in a constant state of cacophony. 

Learning to be congruent with ourselves is to learn how to be honest with ourselves. Learning to be honest with ourselves begins with respecting and accepting ourselves for who we are right now. Belittling, scolding, or expecting perfection is not conducive to nurturing any kind healthy relationships; whether with ourselves or with another person. Just as we’d treat a hurting friend, an injured child or the pet we care so much about, so we should treat ourselves.

Although I’d restricted the voice of my anger at the age of 13, by the time I was 43, it was no longer compliant to being silent. I had to let it have its say and it did. Sometimes inappropriately and at the wrong people. Other times on the pages of my journals, in conversations with my husband, or in my prayers to God. Since allowing the silenced anger to have its say, it is much easier to live a congruent life with my insides and my outsides.

Why bother being congruent? Once we get a taste of being congruent with ourselves, we will never want to be anything else.