Appreciating the Differences

Forty-five years ago today, my husband and I married. I gotta say that our marriage has held up well. 

One of my sisters once asked us, “What do you attribute the longevity of your marriage to?” 

Of course my husband had his answer and so did I. 

When we married in 1980, 49 million other couples married too. But, for every couple that married when we did, 40%-50% of them are now divorced. What has kept our marriage from adding to those divorce statistics?

As much as I hate to admit, divorce did cross my mind before I said, “I do,” on my wedding day. I’m a little ashamed to admit to this old way of thinking, but it’s the truth. I thought that if my marriage does not work out for me, if I don’t like this guy, if things get too hard for me, then I can always get a divorce. 

How arrogant, flippant and naive of me. 

What altered my thinking? How come I chose to stay even when trials, tribulations and adversities rose around us?

At the beginning of our marriage, I had no idea how to think like a married woman. I’d been single, surviving on my own, making decisions that only took my needs into consideration. 

Around about the third year of our marriage, with a newborn in my lap, I had an epiphany; marriage as well as motherhood, displaced me from being the center of the universe. If I wanted to stay married, and I decided I did, I’d have to alter my thinking. 

I thought back to why I’d married in the first place. I married because I was very much infatuated. Of all the women on planet Earth, my husband was drawn to me and I to him. I did not doubt that he’d meant what he’d said when he said, “I love you.” But, I was discovering that believing those words and receiving those words were not the same thing. 

He loved me, but I had to let him love me. Allowing him to love me meant I had to give up waiting for him to think like me. Allowing him to love me meant accepting him for the way he thought and saw things even though they were way different from my way. 

He was and is very much not me and I am very much not him. As much as I thought I wanted him to change into being more like me, that’s not love.  

Over the years, allowing him to love me has changed me. Not suddenly, quickly or even consciously. Rather, subtly, over time, and with lots of reassurance. Receiving his amazing love I’ve gained wisdom, an ability to listen, and an unwavering trust. 

That’s my answer to how come our marriage has lasted so long. If you want to know his answer, you’ll have to ask him. 

Why Bother?

Why bother appreciating the differences? Opposites attract for a good reason. 

If I’d married somebody just like me, then who could have challenged me to grow, change and expand my way of thinking to include someone else’s? 

P.S.  I wrote the story of my journey to forgiveness for those who, like me, know they need to change, but are not quite sure where to start. You can find A Heart’s Journey To Forgiveness at Redemption Press and Amazon.