When Our Faith is Stressed

Though the death of our stillborn son, Elliott, happened almost forty years ago, I still remember the intensity of my grief and the uncertainty that my faith would survive.  

Back then, I was young and naive. I’d experienced a few mild trials in my short walk of faith with God, but nothing serious. 

Like everyone else I knew, my husband and I had financial pressures, relational misunderstandings and the inconvenience of living off-grid during mud season. 

But these little things were not hard. There was always a solution: tighten the budget, keep on communicating and wait for the mud to dry.  

But Elliott’s death was no small matter. It was completely unexpected. Something I was not prepared to go through. 

After laboring and delivering our full-term, but lifeless child, I went home with empty arms, aching breasts filled with milk, and a heavy heart.  

While continuing to care for our two young sons, I demanded some answers from God and on a daily basis. “Why in the hell did you let me go full term just to deliver a lifeless child? Why couldn’t I have just miscarried earlier? Why did you even give me the desire to have another child? Why didn’t you let me be content with two?” 

There was no answer to my questions. And no solution to my grief. I simply walked through it, enduring without relief. 

A year passed, and on the anniversary of Elliott’s death, I stood beside his grave. It was a warm day. The air smelled of fresh-cut grass, and the trees were green with leaves. The cemetery was filled with beauty and silence. 

I gazed around, noticing other headstones in the area. The dash between the dates on some of the headstones showed the short life of others. I wasn’t the only mother who’d mourned the death of her child. 

But standing there in the quiet beauty, I sensed it was time for me to make amends with God by letting go of my expectation of any explanation. 

There are no words to explain the thought that came to me after that: “God is the sovereign and supreme One, and I’m not.” 

Why Bother?

Why bother being blessed when our faith is stressed? We don’t possess the power to prevent “bad” things from happening to us. But we do have the power to consider our trials as  temporary circumstances preparing us to understand Who God is.