Navigating Unfamiliar Relationships

Though I am not sure why, being a daughter-in-law did not seem quite as complex as being a mom-in-law. My daughter-in-law days are long gone, but my mom-in-law days are still unfolding which means I’m still learning about my role as a mom-in-law.

I knew of my mom-in-law, Berniece, because my husband-to-be talked about how she’d been a widow for several years and had recently re-married. Since we were already planning a road trip to Colorado, we decided it would be a good idea to visit them.

When we arrived at their home we sat down in their tidy little kitchen for lunch that included fresh vegetables from their garden, homemade muffins and left-over roast beef. Les, Berniece’s new husband, said grace before the meal but had to look up at me and ask, “What was your name again?” before he could thank God for me. 

After that, I wasn’t sure what Les thought of me. Then, I didn’t know what to think of Berniece when she showed me the bedroom where I’d sleep alone while my husband-to-be slept in the basement on a cot. 

It wasn’t exactly a comfortable beginning with my in-laws, but after I became a wedded wife instead of a live-in-girlfriend, our relationship changed for the better.

Les and Berniece made yearly treks from Nebraska to Idaho and with each consecutive trip, we got to know and like each other better and better. 

In-between their yearly trips, Berniece and I corresponded via snail mail. Her personality lent itself to me confiding with her more than with my own mother. 

Years later, when our oldest son announced his wedding plans, I thought back to the first day I’d met my future in-laws. If at all possible, I hoped to spare my soon to be daughter-in-law from the awkward discomfort I’d felt. 

Before the wedding, I was invited to go shopping for a wedding dress with my soon to be daughter-in-law, her step-mom and a friend. I saw the shopping trip as an opportunity to start off on the right foot. Even though I hate to shop, I tried hard to enjoy myself and not look like a fish out of water. 

Then when I wondered what I should wear to the wedding and what my role as the groom’s mother should be, I went online for advice. The recommendation I read was a little out of my ball park; wear beige, sit down and shut up. 

Now, I’ve been a mom-in-law for almost twenty years and I’ve discovered a few things for myself.

First of all, there is no sure fire way to exclude discomfort in any new relationship. It comes with the territory. 

Secondly, just because two people are related by way of marriage, does not equate to a good relationship. Like any connection we make with anyone, a friendship may or may not unfold over time. If it does, it will be natural, unforced and mutual. 

Finally, there is no template for being a good mom-in-law. I am who I am, my daughter-in-laws are who they are and as the years go by, we get to know one another better and better. 

Why Bother?

Why bother knowing how to navigate unfamiliar relationships? When you marry, just remember, you marry the whole family giving lots of opportunities to learn as we go.

P.S.  I wrote the story of my journey to forgiveness for those who need clarity when it comes to understanding forgiveness. You can find A Heart’s Journey To Forgiveness at Redemption Press and Amazon.