Our Siblings

There was a time when I had to learn to get along with my siblings because Mom said so. 

Then there was the time when I alienated myself from my siblings because I didn’t like them so much. Now, there is mutual respect and emotional bonding among us. What happened?

The short answer is that I grew up. The long answer is a longer story.

We don’t get to select the family we are born into, nor do we get to decide to be an only child. 

Once or twice while growing up, I wondered what it would be like to be an only child. In my imagination, I had my own bedroom, undivided attention from my parents and a tidy, quiet home. But in reality, I was born as the sixth of seven kids into a family already established with rules, regiments and its own form of chaos. 

Even though we originated from the same set of parents, the personalities represented by my siblings vary. Some of us are industrious, responsible and reliable. Not only do we set goals, we list “action items” and set a date for our goals to be accomplished. 

Others of us are empathetic, affectionate, trusting and known as peace makers. We are the ones who listen well and sometimes give unsolicited, but wise counsel. 

Then there are some of us who are emotionally sensitive, worry, are easily irritated and wrestle with depression. 

The extroverts of the family are curious, creative and impulsive. Compared to some, our actions look a lot less practical than the actions of the self-controlled members of the family. 

Growing up alongside these people that made up my family was not easy. To complicate matters of getting along with complex personalities, add a tragedy.

My siblings and I all shared the same catastrophe; our dad’s death by suicide. But we all responded differently because we were all in a different phase of life. 

The oldest was twenty-three and in college. The youngest was only ten. One sister was already married; one freshly graduated from high school. The rest of us were somewhere between junior high and high school; ages thirteen and fifteen.

Along with our ages, our personalities also affected our response to his death. Some exploded privately in anger, some felt guilty and blamed themselves while others retreated inwardly. 

I went through a season of alienating everyone, including my siblings because everyone, even my family, seemed like the enemy.  

In adulthood, I learned that processing the grief of a loved one by suicide unfolds gradually and differently for everyone in a family. There is no time line that we can follow, no pat answers and no formula. 

Writing the story of how I forgave my father was the best way for me to figure out my own grief. Some of my siblings have read my book and though their journey through their grief is different from mine it is our differences that cause me to see my siblings as the unique gifts that they are in my life.   

Whether conversing with them on our regular twice a month family calls or intentional one-on-one phone calls, my siblings and I have grown up enough to recognize just how valuable we are to each other. 

Why Bother?

Why bother seeing our siblings as the gift they are? It may take time, it may unfold gradually, but our siblings, they are a treasure trove of gifts.

P.S.  I wrote the story of my journey to forgiveness for those who need clarity when it comes to understanding forgiveness. You can find A Heart’s Journey To Forgiveness at Redemption Press and Amazon.