Our Mindset

A mindset is a pattern of thought we establish with ourselves. It is how we’ve decided to think about something. Our mindset is based on what we believe to be true. The only time our mindset changes is when we decide that what we once thought of as true, is not. 

I’m not an expert in the science of forgiveness, but having experienced forgiveness and then delving into the science behind it, I’ve learned much.  

 Robert D. Enright, PhD, is a licensed psychologist and a professor of educational psychology at the University of Wisconsin–Madison. He’s been a leader in the scientific study of forgiveness and its effects since 1985. Reading what he says about forgiveness bolstered my knowledge and understanding. 

Though I did not need all of this knowledge and understanding before forgiving my

father, Enright’s research certainly fortifies, solidifies, and authenticates what took place for me when I forgave my father for ending his life by suicide

For this blog and Saturday’s blog, I’ll share what I’ve learned from Enright’s research.

Forgiving did not mean forgetting that I’d been hurt. I tried forgetting about the trauma, but my mind and body wouldn’t cooperate. Mom also tried helping me to forget by never talking about Dad’s suicide. But never talking about it only made me want to talk about it. I’m grateful that forgiving did not mean I should have a frontal lobotomy.

Forgiving, says Enright, does not hinge on justice. What sort of justice did I want or expect from my dad? The “crime” so to speak, that I believed my dad was guilty of was that he abandoned me. He left me. He died on purpose.

To pay for his awful deed, I wanted him to come back to me. Oftentimes I’d ride my bike out to his grave, sit on the ground, willing him in my mind to speak to me. Of course, he could not come back to me and of course he did not speak to me from his grave.

Learning that my forgiveness did not hinge on any payback from him, was a big ah-ha moment for me. Unconsciously, waiting for him to pay me back only kept me attached to a very crazy making idea.

It is not said often enough that forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation. It would have been nice to reconcile with my father, but he’d already been six feet under ground for several years by the time forgiveness entered my mind.

There have been times of reconciliation in my life though. For instance, I asked our oldest son to forgive me after my angry explosive times with him. He was quick to forgive and since then, the animosity that once separated us from each other, no longer keeps us apart. 

Why Bother?

Why bother establishing forgiveness as our mindset? When we establish forgiveness as a mindset, we’ll discover how incredible it is to be forgiving.

P.S.  I wrote the story of my journey to forgiveness for those who need clarity when it comes to understanding forgiveness. You can find A Heart’s Journey To Forgiveness at Redemption Press and Amazon.