Step One: Believe

Though I do not have an exact date, it was in the month of November, 1979, that I encountered Jesus in a personal and life changing way that altered my life for the rest of my life. 

I was twenty-one at the time and ready to follow in my father’s footsteps. He’d ended his life by suicide when I was thirteen. Since his death, I’d tried very hard to find a way through my sorrow, grief, confusion and the sense of insecurity that accompanied my feelings of abandonment. 

I wanted to be happy. Yet, I could not, by my own will, wisdom or persistence, produce or procure what I wanted.

A college degree, a handsome boyfriend, and living in a groovy and organic community among other groovy and organic people of that era, did not give me any long term comfort from my distress. 

When we’d party together, share meals, enjoy live music, and help each other with home projects, I was temporarily distracted from my inward distress. But then, my awareness always returned to the calamities that stayed inside of me.

Though I’d always resented my dad for ending his life, I thought that I now understood how he must have felt. This overwhelming and weighty sense of emotions inside of me had produced hopelessness. My father must have felt hopeless too, but for reasons unknown to me. Suicide was the choice he made to end how he felt and at the moment, suicide seemed like the right choice for me too.  

It was a cool evening in November and I was alone. I sat outside on a well-worn tree stump. My handsome boyfriend and I lived on the shores of a lake. The summer residents had buttoned up their houses and stored away their boats for the season. The lake was quiet. I imagined myself walking out into the water, swimming for as long as I could and then sinking silently into the depths of the dark water.

Then, my thoughts were interrupted by a voice saying, “You could choose life.” 

Turning around, I expected to see one of my friends, but no one was there. Then turning forward once again, a tall brick wall appeared and a man, who looked like Jesus from the movie Jesus Christ Superstar, stood on top of the wall. Again, the voice, which I now knew belonged to Jesus, said, “You could choose life.” 

With a wide grin on his face, he threw a thick rope down to me and held onto the other end. “Come on. I’ll show you how to climb over this wall. Come on! Grab the rope. I can help you change your life if you let me.” I was too stunned to respond with words, but not too stunned to believe. 

Then, the wall, the rope and the man all disappeared and I was left alone again. 

But I wasn’t the same. I no longer had the desire to follow in my father’s footsteps. I no longer felt hopeless. Instead, comfort permeated my insides and out with the thought that God cared about me.

     Step Two: Find Your Way Around Faith

On that November evening of 1979, I began believing in the God I’d heard about as a child, but had had nothing to do with since my father’s suicide. Though I’d ignored God for the last eight years of my life, he did not hold that against me. At just the right time and in just the right way, my eyes were opened and my ears were unplugged. I heard, I saw and I believed.

Since then, I continue getting to know God and as I do, I see how he is my counselor, always leading me toward light and life; the one who comforts me when calamities arrive, and when worldly circumstances threaten to rob me of peace, God reminds me that he is my source of peace and nothing in the world can take him away from me.

Why Bother?

Why bother knowing about the benefits? As I get to know God, God continues to show me more and more benefits that accompany my faith in him. Getting to know God and those benefits is a lifelong endeavor, but one that is presently and eternally worthwhile.